Looking Back

It’s been 20 years now, but the weight remains on my shoulders and, if nothing else, it has increased with each passing year. I don’t know if there are others with similar stories and, frankly, I don’t care. This story belongs to me and I take full ownership. This is the story that haunts me to this day.

I knew Delores liked me and I liked her. With straight black hair and dark eyes, I thought she and I would become boyfriend and girlfriend and we did. It lasted as long as it could because I got a greetings letter from Uncle Sam letting me know I was to report for duty to serve in the United States Army. I knew then the relationship was done and I said so.

“It doesn’t have to be over,” Delores said. I’ll write you every day. I love you.”

“Sugar, these things just don’t work out. I’m not trying to be mean, but the chances of this continuing are almost none. I love you too, but I have to be real. Your life is just starting and mine may be taken away. Either way, I have to say goodbye.”

Saying goodbye was one of the hardest things, I had to do in my life. I remember her dark eyes looking at me in pain, but I couldn’t go back. As I walked away, I held back the tears that would later release themselves as anger in combat.

I thought of Delores often and just as she promised the letters came every day, but soon they began to trickle away until they stopped. When I got out of the Army and returned home, she was gone. Her family moved and of course, she went with them. I was hurt but pleased in that I didn’t have to dig up old emotions that held me captive for a year of my life.

I saw her about 15 years later at a café. She was sitting next to a man, which I assumed to be her boyfriend or husband because the way they laughed, held hands, hugged and smiled that secret smile that only lovers know. I didn’t acknowledge my presence. Instead, I Ieft quickly and before I could be seen or recognized.

Strange enough, five years later she and I were at the same business meeting. This time, she saw me before I saw her. I was standing talking to other attendees from my company when I felt a pair of arms around my chest from behind. I figured it was one of my friends from the office, but when I turned about, it was Delores.

“Where have you been all this time,” she asked with a smile.

I looked into those dark eyes and felt the same feeling I felt when we first started seeing each other.

“I’ve been on the road with this company almost from the day I got out of the Army,” I said.

“Why didn’t you call, she asked."

I thought long and hard before I answered. “Because I didn’t want to see you. I thought to see you would only make me hurt more. When the letters stopped coming, I knew we were done and I didn’t blame you for it and still don't. I just knew it that's what would happen.”

“I guess I knew it in a way too, I but I never stopped loving you,” she said. “I still love you.”

That caught me totally off guard. Of all the things, I expected her to say that was the last one. I had plenty of relationships since Delores, but I never married as all of my love affairs never seemed to work out.

“About five years ago, I saw you in Kansas City with a man at a café downtown. You looked as if he was special to you, so I decided to leave before you saw me," I said.

"You were really there," she asked. “Where? 

I described the cafe and immediately she recognized it from my description.

"When?”

"Like I said, it was about five years ago, but I don't know anything other than it was summer time. That's it," I said. I just remember seeing you and you looked so happy.”

“You should have come over and said hello,” she said.

“That would have been rude,” I said.

“I guess so,” she answered.

“Is that your husband,” I asked.

“Almost,” she said. He was my fiancé, but I found out he had outside interests.”

“So, he was a skirt chaser,” I said.

“In a way,” she said. “He chased men. I was nothing but a cover for his business.”

Well, Delores and I married and have three children, two boys and a girl. Family life agrees with me and I love Delores more than ever. She fills those gaps in my spirit that had been open for so many years. Now, that’s a happy ending, but there’s more to the story. As I mentioned earlier, a weight still sits on my shoulders and with good reason. Though I married Delores, I didn’t mention when we were boyfriend and girlfriend I was 21-years-old and she was 14. Having sexual relations with a 14-year-old girl still bothers me even though we wound up marrying.

When we started seeing each other I knew she already liked me and used that to my advantage to lure her into a sexual relationship. Even though it later turned to love, I have never let it slip from my moral memory and I don’t know if I ever will. Delores and I have spoken about it and she says she is just as much to blame as me, but what does a 14-year-old girl know about a grown man’s lusts? I can only say that Delores is the love of my life and I so glad to have her love.